During the week, I saw Memphis' older brother.
I remember the first and second and third day Memphis asked me if I knew him. "You know my brother? He taught me how to fight."
I'd seen him a few times and had greeted him happily when I recognized him, seeing how his troubled little brother was in my class.
There's a look that's on Memphis' face at all times that's kind of like a smirk. Not a happy smirk, though. I couldn't put my finger on it till I'd discussed it with my mom. We both know about fatherless little boys. How many problems they seem to have.
What I see is anger.
For now, he's compliant, and rebells by clowning in front of his classmates. They laugh at his rude jokes, antics, and rough background, all while keeping a respectful distance.
He likes his jeans to sag low. He likes T.I and Eminem. His favorite food is gizzards. Apparently he only lives with Grandma and his older brother. He can appear quiet and compliant but sometimes its really only on the surface. Sometimes he seems more dedicated to mischeif than anything else.
To put it simply, I'm worried about him. His suspension is for suggesting to another kid to bring a pocket knife to school and start a gang. A gang.
Because when the people who are supposed to look out for you abandon you, when you have no real security, a gang is what you look for. Before, I had never really gotten beyond brief conversations with him. But I have a lot of words for him now. Words that he really needs to consider to choose the direction of his life.
Not having parents, not having a father is such a painful thing. Anger and confusion is there. But when I see him goofing off in class, something in me goes, please don't waste your life. Your life is too important and special--- to important to God if not your parents--- for you to just end up in jail or in a gang. If you don't have a father I know it hurts. I know. But don't grow up a victim of circumstances. I need you to grow up and become the father you had wish you'd had yourself. It's not as easy as that. But society need YOU Memphis, not some other, more stable child. You know more things than I can ever know. You can reach kids that I can't. Out there somewhere there's something you're interested in that doesn't involve beating people up. And when you find it, you can use that to help people who've gone through the same things as you. But you have a choice. You can be angry at society all of your life and turn to drugs and gangs. Or you can choose to not waste your time here. This is a good school. Out of everyone, you should be the one striving to get the most out of it. not goofing around. Please listen. Please don't make a dumb choice. This is really important.
I can only do so much. I'm only a girl. He needs guidance. He needs postive males around him. If only, if only I could give him that. But I can't so far. But I know he needs someone in his life to speak these words, to know that he is loved and believed him, and that his life is important regardless of any family members that have failed him.
God please give me the empathy to understand the pain he's going through.
Solomon might have the same problem.
I'll tell him that and leave the rest up to God, because now many people at The Sanctuary know his name, and that he lives in the area. I'm also emailing the main social worker who works in my mom's office building.
Anyway, back to the guy I saw lying on the floor.
"Are you alright?" I wondered. He looked up. He was in pain but then a familiar smirk came across his face when he looked at me.
"No."
It was Memphis' brother. His friends were all laughing and I quickly picked up that he had just been kneed in the groin. He let out a colorful string of curses at them as he sat up. His friends, all urban and jocular against the wall seemed almost embarrassed for him. They murmured and shuffled as if I were some administrator, probably wondering what I was about.
I must have seemed calm. I was screaming in disbelief on the inside.
"Get up for a minute. How's Memphis?"
"Memphis?" he asked, still in obvious pain. "He's suspended."
"I know that. How is he?"
"Good." he let out a long sigh, cursing again. I left him.
It was... discouraging. This was Memphis' male role model? This is who he depended on and looked up to? I wanted to go back and smack him. Just shake him and say, "You have to get up off the floor and act like a man!! Now. For Memphis' sake."
I remembered how one day during P.E , Memphis had tripped himself on purpose, so blatant in making himself the butt of the for attention. I could see where some of the foolishness had come from. I still was hopeful about how I could help Memphis, but I had this sense of "are you serious right now?" and I shared with other Cadets.
But then I realized that older brother, unimpressed as I was also probably didn't have such a great home life. And he had had no older brother. He was probably doing the best he can. Maybe I had just caught him at a bad moment.
It was completely unfair to write him off. Who knows what he's been through or whether there's something in him that justifies Memphis' reverence for him. Once again, Grace comes in to keep me in check.
But the mission to help Memphis continues.
I watched my brother grow up with a painful childhood. his biological father had died when he was a toddler. and little me, who had everything, didn't understand.
As for Memphis' older brother, we are currently Facebook friends. Miss Q still has many words for Memphis even though she, who has everything, couldn't possibly hope to understand.
For now I have to wait until his suspension is over.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
May 3rd, 2011 (Week 2)
Miss Q came outside to chaos.
Dexter and Fruitbat are bad drivers.
"Miss Q wekeephittingsharpturns and both of our kids are lying bleeding on the floor!"
"Who's driving this thing?"
"I am! It's Fruitbat's fault! She was supposed to make me coffee this morning!"
"Why didn't you make him coffee this morning???"
"I DON"T KNOW!"
It was pretty bad. Sitting on the swings, Fruitbat and Dexter apparently started off on a peaceful drive with their imaginary family. But it was hardly a minute before the Chippettes ran up. Nancy Drew was jumping up and down over the little tyke that said the s-word (gasp)... sexy. Or at least I think that's what they were excited about. Princesstard talks fast when she's excited.
"Let's go back to see if he'll do it again!"
Then Co-pilot and Mariska raced to see who would tag Miss Q first today. I forget who won.
Speaking of winning, Miss Q and the turtles had a fun bet today. On my right Miss Bieber and Beancurd. In front of me in order was Nala, Fate, Uniqua and Skinny Jeanz who was now on crutches thanks to a softball accident. It might be the second time this year.
The Girls table (which always includes Beancurd) was fun and interesting. Miss Q had been wondering how Fate and Uniqua became so buddy-buddy this week. Fate actually explained.
"I started hanging out with them a few days. Just not at recess. Cause so-and-so doesn't like me." Then they talked and talked. Fate even talked to Beancurd. Or tried to. She told him he better be nice to her, since she gave him that thing. "Yak yak yak" said Beancurd. Which is what Beancurd likes to do. Except he was stangely quiet.
Like clockwork he eventually got up to leave to go take his medicine, leaving half of a sub. Wait.
What?
"Whoah. Beancurd's eating!" Miss Q announced, awed because a fourth grader was eating at lunch.
"I know!" said Miss Beiber. Beancurd almost never ate. That's why he's a Beancurd.
Soon Miss Q had a bet with Miss Bieber. I said he would eat all the rest of his sandwhich when he came back. Miss Bieber said he would only eat half. If Miss Beiber won, she'd get Miss Q's visitor sticker. The rest of The Girls agreed to stay quiet and not mention it to see what happens.
"Miss Rrrrrr." We waved at Miss R. Laughing, because Miss Q didn't say her name loud enough.
"Quick, act normal."
As soon as Beancurd came back, the turtles made these very subtle gestures to manipulate the outcome.
"Eat it already!!"
"No, don't finish it."
"Shhhh. AHHAHa"
It was major fun. Miss Beiber and I laughed anough to add years to our lives. Beancurd eventually finished his sandwhich, drawing out the last chews as long as possible. Miss Q got to keep her sticker.
This was before they got in line and Beancurd apparently did something awful.
I told Co-Pilot to try and be forgiving toward Mook and why he was probably acting annoying and that he probably actually wanted to be friends.
After cursive during reading time, Miss Beiber said,
"Miss Q, I know Beancurd's gonna talk to me. Can he move?"
Hmmm.
We made a deal. If Beancurd talked, Miss Beiber would get Miss Q's visitor sticker. I ended up keeping it.
But not before Beancurd came up to Miss Q twice. How do you pronounce sea anemone? Have you ever seen piranha?
After a deep discussion on both topics, Miss Q noticed a pattern.
Whenever faced with the challenge of not talking. Beancurd had plenty of questions. I thought this was something positive. Later of course, I found out he had told Rickster to 'move aside fatty' right in front of Miss R, who was mortified.
Miss Q was a bit embarrassed. I wonder if his family may have thought in endearing at first, how he says the first thing that comes to his mind. But other than that, it was a good day.
Dexter and Fruitbat are bad drivers.
"Miss Q wekeephittingsharpturns and both of our kids are lying bleeding on the floor!"
"Who's driving this thing?"
"I am! It's Fruitbat's fault! She was supposed to make me coffee this morning!"
"Why didn't you make him coffee this morning???"
"I DON"T KNOW!"
It was pretty bad. Sitting on the swings, Fruitbat and Dexter apparently started off on a peaceful drive with their imaginary family. But it was hardly a minute before the Chippettes ran up. Nancy Drew was jumping up and down over the little tyke that said the s-word (gasp)... sexy. Or at least I think that's what they were excited about. Princesstard talks fast when she's excited.
"Let's go back to see if he'll do it again!"
Then Co-pilot and Mariska raced to see who would tag Miss Q first today. I forget who won.
Speaking of winning, Miss Q and the turtles had a fun bet today. On my right Miss Bieber and Beancurd. In front of me in order was Nala, Fate, Uniqua and Skinny Jeanz who was now on crutches thanks to a softball accident. It might be the second time this year.
The Girls table (which always includes Beancurd) was fun and interesting. Miss Q had been wondering how Fate and Uniqua became so buddy-buddy this week. Fate actually explained.
"I started hanging out with them a few days. Just not at recess. Cause so-and-so doesn't like me." Then they talked and talked. Fate even talked to Beancurd. Or tried to. She told him he better be nice to her, since she gave him that thing. "Yak yak yak" said Beancurd. Which is what Beancurd likes to do. Except he was stangely quiet.
Like clockwork he eventually got up to leave to go take his medicine, leaving half of a sub. Wait.
What?
"Whoah. Beancurd's eating!" Miss Q announced, awed because a fourth grader was eating at lunch.
"I know!" said Miss Beiber. Beancurd almost never ate. That's why he's a Beancurd.
Soon Miss Q had a bet with Miss Bieber. I said he would eat all the rest of his sandwhich when he came back. Miss Bieber said he would only eat half. If Miss Beiber won, she'd get Miss Q's visitor sticker. The rest of The Girls agreed to stay quiet and not mention it to see what happens.
"Miss Rrrrrr." We waved at Miss R. Laughing, because Miss Q didn't say her name loud enough.
"Quick, act normal."
As soon as Beancurd came back, the turtles made these very subtle gestures to manipulate the outcome.
"Eat it already!!"
"No, don't finish it."
"Shhhh. AHHAHa"
It was major fun. Miss Beiber and I laughed anough to add years to our lives. Beancurd eventually finished his sandwhich, drawing out the last chews as long as possible. Miss Q got to keep her sticker.
This was before they got in line and Beancurd apparently did something awful.
I told Co-Pilot to try and be forgiving toward Mook and why he was probably acting annoying and that he probably actually wanted to be friends.
After cursive during reading time, Miss Beiber said,
"Miss Q, I know Beancurd's gonna talk to me. Can he move?"
Hmmm.
We made a deal. If Beancurd talked, Miss Beiber would get Miss Q's visitor sticker. I ended up keeping it.
But not before Beancurd came up to Miss Q twice. How do you pronounce sea anemone? Have you ever seen piranha?
After a deep discussion on both topics, Miss Q noticed a pattern.
Whenever faced with the challenge of not talking. Beancurd had plenty of questions. I thought this was something positive. Later of course, I found out he had told Rickster to 'move aside fatty' right in front of Miss R, who was mortified.
Miss Q was a bit embarrassed. I wonder if his family may have thought in endearing at first, how he says the first thing that comes to his mind. But other than that, it was a good day.
May 5th, 2011 (Week 2)
Teacher Cadet is cancelled next year.
Miss Q took a spelling test with the awkward turtles and failed to spell addend right, but teacher cadet was cancelled next year.
At lunch they called out for Miss Rrrr. Mr. Willard came to eat with us. Miss Q played the games on the backs of the milk cartons with Fate. ("You can't be crashin' through walls to get through the maze!")But Teacher Cadet was cancelled next year.
At one point, Miss Q might have tried to explain that Teacher Cadet was cancelled next year. As I was still there, and they didn't see how it affected them, they shrugged.
Beancurd was so silly today. The combination of Zefron, Uniqua, The Brit and Skinny Jeanz made a funny table. But as the little flutes played during Music and the teacher threatened to throw Beancurd out for the second time, Miss Q wondered exactly what where she would be.
Mr. German put it this way. "Do you want to be a teacher or hang out with the people in Teacher Cadet?" I wanted both.
"I always liked doing the independent thing. The people in groups can be whiny." he added, as if thinking back to some program he went through.
Hmm.
Mr. German's optimism was appreciated. But I can't put an estimate on the strength I get from seeing other Teacher Cadets. It's almost as if I felt I was competent and capable at teaching simply because Lady Finch or some Cadet insisted or told me I was. I will miss this.
Although I don't make a clear comparison, I consider myself the least deserving or entitled to a Teacher Cadet class. But because I took chemistry last year, I know when it's worthy to pursue something, even if you don't aren't immediately good at it. To me, that's something to be proud of.
Miss Q took a spelling test with the awkward turtles and failed to spell addend right, but teacher cadet was cancelled next year.
At lunch they called out for Miss Rrrr. Mr. Willard came to eat with us. Miss Q played the games on the backs of the milk cartons with Fate. ("You can't be crashin' through walls to get through the maze!")But Teacher Cadet was cancelled next year.
At one point, Miss Q might have tried to explain that Teacher Cadet was cancelled next year. As I was still there, and they didn't see how it affected them, they shrugged.
Beancurd was so silly today. The combination of Zefron, Uniqua, The Brit and Skinny Jeanz made a funny table. But as the little flutes played during Music and the teacher threatened to throw Beancurd out for the second time, Miss Q wondered exactly what where she would be.
Mr. German put it this way. "Do you want to be a teacher or hang out with the people in Teacher Cadet?" I wanted both.
"I always liked doing the independent thing. The people in groups can be whiny." he added, as if thinking back to some program he went through.
Hmm.
Mr. German's optimism was appreciated. But I can't put an estimate on the strength I get from seeing other Teacher Cadets. It's almost as if I felt I was competent and capable at teaching simply because Lady Finch or some Cadet insisted or told me I was. I will miss this.
Although I don't make a clear comparison, I consider myself the least deserving or entitled to a Teacher Cadet class. But because I took chemistry last year, I know when it's worthy to pursue something, even if you don't aren't immediately good at it. To me, that's something to be proud of.
May 4th, 2011 (Week 2)
May 4th, 2011
Today, Arbear did her lesson on blogging and the half hearted results. As planned, in the beginning we had a community building ice breaker. We each had to speak one minute about the person to the left of us. Ms. Finn was fierce in her selection, making sure to put Miss Q by the person she knew the least about. Almost all of us stumbled for words.
'We don't really know each other, so we can't judge each other', explained Arbear after the Icebreaker. I agreed.
Because I know and trust Arbear, not only do I not have a problem with her leadership, but some of her trademark bluntness washes over me. Over the past few days, she had explained to me the blogging system and exactly what she wanted everyone to get out of todays lesson, so I largely kept quiet.
As we got into the heat of the debate on the blogs, Ms. Finn was determined with her message.
Arbear's side can best be summed up like this: We are the ones that need to change. Not the standards.
Not all of us were convinced. There wasn't really a comfortable middle view. Especially since there seemed to be a dividing line between those with complaints and those who were content.
This is what I think:
There are many many reasons that we have for not completing all of our Teacher Cadet assignments. Many of us knew, when we got memo, which ones we may not have been able to do. But did we do our best, even knowing that, like we would in our other classes?
Because we didn't, without coming close to returning the energy and or humble determination that Arbear and Stewart did in creating the new blogging system, I'm going to have to say I agree with Arbear
Today, Arbear did her lesson on blogging and the half hearted results. As planned, in the beginning we had a community building ice breaker. We each had to speak one minute about the person to the left of us. Ms. Finn was fierce in her selection, making sure to put Miss Q by the person she knew the least about. Almost all of us stumbled for words.
'We don't really know each other, so we can't judge each other', explained Arbear after the Icebreaker. I agreed.
Because I know and trust Arbear, not only do I not have a problem with her leadership, but some of her trademark bluntness washes over me. Over the past few days, she had explained to me the blogging system and exactly what she wanted everyone to get out of todays lesson, so I largely kept quiet.
As we got into the heat of the debate on the blogs, Ms. Finn was determined with her message.
Arbear's side can best be summed up like this: We are the ones that need to change. Not the standards.
Not all of us were convinced. There wasn't really a comfortable middle view. Especially since there seemed to be a dividing line between those with complaints and those who were content.
This is what I think:
There are many many reasons that we have for not completing all of our Teacher Cadet assignments. Many of us knew, when we got memo, which ones we may not have been able to do. But did we do our best, even knowing that, like we would in our other classes?
Because we didn't, without coming close to returning the energy and or humble determination that Arbear and Stewart did in creating the new blogging system, I'm going to have to say I agree with Arbear
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday May 2nd, 2011
Miss Q's birthday is in 22 days. That just came to mind.
Miss Q's thoughts are constantly changing. The low level of anxiety that sometimes attended her was gone today. Maybe this was a result of all the hoping, praying, and thinking she'd done this weekend that took her mind off herself.
Zefron returned. Everyone was here except for one boy, the one that Miss Q had thought about all weekend. Memphis had ten days of suspension to serve. But I'll tell you everything Miss Q goes through for and with him later.
At lunch, Miss Q struggled to make Dubby see the seriousness of his rudeness to Mook. However, Mook, who's ego was already bruised began to try to annoy Co-Pilot and Dubby back. Miss Q has learned that this is Mook's way of putting up a shell to protect his feelings. If I can be obnoxious, than I don't have to let you know that you hurt my feelings.
But since I'm thinking about it now, should Miss Q tell him that? If Miss Q talked about it to Dubby, would that make him understand? With kids, sometimes it doesn't hurt to go beneath the surface. We'll see. Finally Miss Q asked him to finish telling her about the World of Warcraft game. Again, his eyes lit up.
Listening, someone might see the connection between the violence and raw nature of his video games and the mean-spirited nature of his insults toward Mook and play with Co-Pilot ("Let go of his arm"). But changing the topic got him off focus from his clash with Mook.
For some reason, Miss Q felt a bit tense after that, as if something bad was about to happen. It must have shown because a few times, the turtles looked a bit spooked when they caught her looking at them.
Fate's attitude toward Miss Q was cool today.
"How's the baby sister?"
She stuck her thumb up. Then she asked to move so as to not sit next to "them", meaning the Boy Band.
Once she looked up at me and stared at me for ten straight seconds like a deer caught in the headlights. Honestly, I didn't mean to stare. But I did wonder what was up with her.
Today, we got to go to gym to see Mr. Willard. Jailbreak is a favorite. He and Miss Q both agreed that the awkward turtles made up the best and most interesting class. Leading by example and with of competitive nudging, Miss Q was able to get everybody to aim for Mr. Willard on the other side. By arguing playfully with Beancurd over who would hit Stew first, Beancurd pegged him out twice. It was a lovely game.
Beancurd drove me crazy on while the class were waiting on the steps listening to directions. He seems to talk compulsively, but at the same time we still have a relationship. In the reading corner, there's a little beach chair. Today, the boy got stuck when the chair caved in on him and Miss Q had to help him out. It was so funny to see him trying to look innocent after I looked back to see if he would do it again on purpose.
Miss Q's thoughts are constantly changing. The low level of anxiety that sometimes attended her was gone today. Maybe this was a result of all the hoping, praying, and thinking she'd done this weekend that took her mind off herself.
Zefron returned. Everyone was here except for one boy, the one that Miss Q had thought about all weekend. Memphis had ten days of suspension to serve. But I'll tell you everything Miss Q goes through for and with him later.
At lunch, Miss Q struggled to make Dubby see the seriousness of his rudeness to Mook. However, Mook, who's ego was already bruised began to try to annoy Co-Pilot and Dubby back. Miss Q has learned that this is Mook's way of putting up a shell to protect his feelings. If I can be obnoxious, than I don't have to let you know that you hurt my feelings.
But since I'm thinking about it now, should Miss Q tell him that? If Miss Q talked about it to Dubby, would that make him understand? With kids, sometimes it doesn't hurt to go beneath the surface. We'll see. Finally Miss Q asked him to finish telling her about the World of Warcraft game. Again, his eyes lit up.
Listening, someone might see the connection between the violence and raw nature of his video games and the mean-spirited nature of his insults toward Mook and play with Co-Pilot ("Let go of his arm"). But changing the topic got him off focus from his clash with Mook.
For some reason, Miss Q felt a bit tense after that, as if something bad was about to happen. It must have shown because a few times, the turtles looked a bit spooked when they caught her looking at them.
Fate's attitude toward Miss Q was cool today.
"How's the baby sister?"
She stuck her thumb up. Then she asked to move so as to not sit next to "them", meaning the Boy Band.
Once she looked up at me and stared at me for ten straight seconds like a deer caught in the headlights. Honestly, I didn't mean to stare. But I did wonder what was up with her.
Today, we got to go to gym to see Mr. Willard. Jailbreak is a favorite. He and Miss Q both agreed that the awkward turtles made up the best and most interesting class. Leading by example and with of competitive nudging, Miss Q was able to get everybody to aim for Mr. Willard on the other side. By arguing playfully with Beancurd over who would hit Stew first, Beancurd pegged him out twice. It was a lovely game.
Beancurd drove me crazy on while the class were waiting on the steps listening to directions. He seems to talk compulsively, but at the same time we still have a relationship. In the reading corner, there's a little beach chair. Today, the boy got stuck when the chair caved in on him and Miss Q had to help him out. It was so funny to see him trying to look innocent after I looked back to see if he would do it again on purpose.
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